Posts tagged frank stallone

The fever still burns…NOT!!!

Dear John,

 

I have just seen “Staying Alive” the 1983 sequel to one of your best movies ever, “Saturday Night Fever” and all I have to say is…what are you doin’ Johnny? 

 

You romanced me with great hits like “Grease”, “Saturday Night Fever”, and “Urban Cowboy”.  I loved you when you were “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble” even though I couldn’t touch you or I would kill you.  I forgave you and cried for you in “Carrie”.  (What a whack job that one was.)  I didn’t think Vinnie Barbarino was stupid.  I never saw “Moment to Moment”.  I thought “Blow Out” was okay.  But this, “Staying Alive”, I can not and will not overlook.  My heart is broken and I blame Sylvester Stallone and Scientology.  Oh sure, our love would be rekindled many years later because of a little film called “Pulp Fiction”, but for now, it’s OVER!!!!!

 

I get the concept.  It’s been six years since “Saturday Night Fever” and Tony Manero has moved to Manhattan looking for his big break.  Tony is working as a dance instructor and a waiter.  Cynthia Rhodes stars as his girlfriend Jackie and he treats her like crap.  Hello?   Remember how bad he treated Annette??? 

 

So anyway, Tony lands a role in this musical production called “Satan’s Alley” starring Laura played by Finola Hughes.  (Remember her from General Hospital?  I think her name was Anna and she was married to Robert Scorpio?  Didn’t she have some sort of scar on her face that was fake and she pealed it off like one of those window cling thingies?  Is that right?  Any of it?  Someone please let me know.)  Laura’s character is just awful.  She reminds me of some snippy-snappy spoiled little British lap dog as she barks lines like “We met.  We made it.  What did you expect?  True love?  Everybawdy uses everybawdy .”  

 (Say that in your head in a British accent for the full dramatic effect.)

 

I think the name of the show, “Satan’s Alley”, is a bit ironic and yet very appropriate because after watching this movie I feel like I have been to Hell and back.  Also, I consider Satan to be none other than…Sylvester Stallone.  Why do I hate everyone’s favorite boxer you ask?  Let me break this down for you!   Because he directed, produced and wrote this piece of crap.  I don’t know why he wasn’t busy making Rocky 5,041 or something.  I personally think he saw you, John, as his competition and tried to KO you right out of the business.  

 

This is totally Sly’s film.  He even put his brother, Frank in it.  At least there’s no big, ole blonde Brigitte. He definitely influenced the fashions in this film-a whole lot of leather, fur and my favorite, shiny Lycra.  Sly himself even shows up in the movie in a big fur coat.  Puleez. 

 

Okay, so Tony and Laura have this supposed intense dancing chemistry.  Whatever.  So Tony decides he wants the lead role in the show and asks Jackie to help him.  So he steals the lead and becomes the star of the show.  Right.  This is sooo believable.  Tony “won-one-disco-contest” Manero from Brooklyn beats out classical trained dancer in less than five minutes. 

 

I will say this John, you have some funny lines.  Like when you are working as a waiter (you looked good by the way in your little tuxedo ensemble) and this girl keeps ordering all these drinks and she ask you “Do you know why I order so many drinks, Tony?” and you say “I dunno.  Maybe you’re an alcoholic.”  Heehee.  That’s funny.  Her response is “I just love to watch you walk, Tony.  I just love to watch you walk.”  Hmmmmm…That line sounds a little familiar.

 

Here is my favorite scene.  Let me break it down for you:

 

Right after Tony’s triumphant Broadway debut and he is leaving the cast party and Jackie asks where he’s going and he says “I want to strut.”  And he struts right out into Times Square to Staying Alive. 

 

That’s it.  The best part of this movie is the last minute.   Here it is:

 

 http://youtube.com/watch?v=rpbleJcIfZY&feature=related

 

So that’s what I want you to do John is just strut right out to the curb before I kick you there.  It’s over.  Done.  Keep going.  Don’t look back.  Don’t let the door hit you on your cute-little-Lee-jean-covered-ass.  Oh, uh, are you really going?  Oh, okay.  Good.  I’m soooo glad. 

 

Good riddance…

 

…so long loser

 

…bye, bye

 

…call me.

 

Love,

 

Your Hopelessly Devoted and Seriously Delusional and Somewhat Twisted Former #1 Fan 

 

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