Yay!  I’m a winner (well, a big fat loser really).  I just won the trifecta of bad movie musicals when I took a chance on Grease 2.  To be perfectly honest with you I never saw this movie when it came out in 1982.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe I was grounded when it came out because I know that some of my friends saw it and liked it (there’s no accounting for teenage taste).  I’m so glad I was grounded.  Thanks Mom. 

Oh to go back to those days when I was innocent of all that is Grease 2.  How I long for the days before I had witnessed such musical atrocities as “Score Tonight” which involves the Pink Ladies and the T-Birds singing and dancing at the bowling alley with lyrics like “let’s bowl, let’s bowl, let’s rock-n-roll”.  And “Reproduction” a song set in sex education class where they sing things like “make my stamen go beserk”.

I won’t even go into who’s who and what’s what because, well, it’s just not worth it.  Michelle Pfeiffer plays Stephanie Zinino, the leader of the Pink Ladies, while they could never live up to originals, they weren’t that bad.  Don’t even get me started on the T-Birds more like the T-Blobs who are a total waste of space.  Zuko and Knickie would have been ashamed.

I can only think of one really funny line.  It’s when the Pink Ladies are in the Pink Mobile driving really fast and reckless as they are following the T-Birds who are following Mystery Biker guy so they can rearrange his face.  And one of the girls says, “We’re going to die and I’m wearing my mother’s underwear!”  I’m not even sure why I thought this was so funny, but it made me laugh.

Okay, so here is my favorite scene.  Let me break it down for you:

Michael, he’s Sandy’s cousin, asks Stephanie out and she turns him down because he’s not her type.  So she gives him a musical version of her e-Harmony profile which describes her perfect man as a “Cool Rider”.  Michelle’s singing and dancing are okay, but she’s so annoyingly adorable, it’s hard not to like this scene.  Here have a look:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UY47CGhKQjA

Stephanie is so cute in her black skinny jeans and her black jacket with the pink satin lining but I think I her hair looks a little more like 1980’s than 1960’s. 

I guess I will have to put this in the Nice Ass Bad Movie category because Michelle Pfeiffer does have a tiny, but very cute derriere and well, sorry, but this a baaaaaad movie.  A bad, bad, bad, bad movie.  (Sing that to the “Cool Rider” tune for the full effect.) 

Here’s another clip I found.  I think it is jd and webster.  Or is that atoochie.  Maybe sheba and hootch?  I’m not sure.  Let me know. 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=dsI1xbcnV-g

Okay maybe you better love somebody, but you won’t love this movie.  I just watched 1984’s “Hard to Hold” starring Rick Springfield and it’s more like “hard to watch without wanting to rip your own skin off”.  This movie is going to fall into my new category, Nice Ass Bad Movie.  This category was created for the debacle that is “Staying Alive”.  To be honest, it’s more like Kinda Cute Butt, Really Bad Movie.  I guess I can’t go around all willy nilly creating new categories based on how much I like the actor’s bum or can I…

After watching “Staying Alive” (blech, it hurts me just to say it) I started thinking about Rick Springfield.  Not sure about the connection?  Here’s how it went down.  Finola Hughes is in “SA” and she was also in General Hospital.  There was a doctor who worked at General Hospital and his name was Noah Drake.  And Noah Drake was played by none other than little Ricky Springfield.  . 

Rick Springfield is really flexing his acting muscles in this one by playing a rock star.  What not a doctor?  Nope.  Just your everyday run-of-the-mill-rock-star named Jamie Roberts.  He meets this woman, well actually he runs into this woman’s car while trying to escape his many fans while driving a red Trans Am that belongs to a guy named Casserole.  Oh and by the way, he is also wearing Casserole’s pants.  So he tries to woo this woman.  Her name is Diana Lawson and she’s a child psychologist and she has no idea who he is.  And she is not even moved or remotely interested even when he buys her a new Volvo.  I don’t get it.  I usually, at the very least, go for drinks with someone when they buy me a new car especially if it’s foreign.

Okay, so she falls for him after he sends a Tony Bennett impersonator to serenade her.  Whatever.  A faux Tony gets her in the sack but not a genuine Volvo?  I will have to say that Diana is quite a little minx.  She’s no prude.  So the usual stuff ensues when people from different backgrounds fall in love and have nothing in common but love itself.  <insert big yawn> Very boring. 

But, you knew there was one in here, the best part is Jamie Robert’s ex-girlfriend and writing partner, Nicky Nides played by Patti Hansen.  I recognized her face but didn’t know who she was so I did a little research (thanks internet) and I discovered that she is an ex-model who is married to…get this…Keith Richards who we all know is a real ROCK STAR.  She even has children with him.  So you know she just has to be a complete nut job and that’s how she acts in the movie.  I loved her.  If not for her, I would have pulled this DVD out of the machine, slapped it around, broke it in a million pieces and lit it on fire in true ROCK STAR fashion.

Here is my favorite scene.  Let me break it down for you:

Okay, so Nicky has been causing some problems for the love birds and Diana decides she should talk to Nicky.  Jamie and Casserole try to warn Diana that nobody talks to Nicky but Diana says “I deal with disturbed children all day, surely I can handle Nicky.  I am a professional.”  So Diana goes up to Nicky’s hotel room and pushes her way in.  Here is the dialogue:

“Nicky, I think it’s time that you confront your hostility.  We should share our feelings.”

“Screw off!”

“Okay, that was hostile.”

“No shit Mary Poppins.”

“These are just anxiety defenses to block your true feelings.”

“Go sit on it bi—!”  (I have to interrupt here. “Sit on it”????  I mean I love the Fonz, but would a tough-as-nails-meaner-than-a-run-over-dog-rocker-chick say “sit on it”?  I think not.)

“Nicky, Nicky…”

“Ain’t that Jamie’s shirt?  Get it off!”

“Nicky we just need to interface a little more.”

Now it gets really good.  Nicky pulls a switchblade out and starts threatening Diana as she babbles on with her psycho mumbo jumbo.  CAT FIGHT!  I’m thinking, yes Nicky is going to show her “interface” and stab Dr. Mary Poppins, PhD and put us all out of our misery.  Yay!  End of the movie!!!!  No such luck.  As it turns out, it’s not really a switchblade but one of those stupid combs that looks like a switchblade.  Diana, once again, surprises us by punching Nicky in the face, shutting her up thus extending this movie into its 4^th or 5^th hour.  I’m not even sure at this point.  That’s it, the absolute best scene in the whole movie.

I hate to dis Rick because I really do like him.  I always have.  He has some good songs and the soundtrack to this movie is pretty good and I always wanted to be Jessie’s Girl.  But this movie really stinks.  Sorry Rick.

Here’s the trailer.  It has a little bit of psycho Nicky:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=dgElDMLkhZw

Enjoy. 

Dear John,

I have just seen “Staying Alive” the 1983 sequel to one of your best movies ever, “Saturday Night Fever” and all I have to say is…what are you doin’ Johnny? 

You romanced me with great hits like “Grease”, “Saturday Night Fever”, and “Urban Cowboy”.  I loved you when you were “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble” even though I couldn’t touch you or I would kill you.  I forgave you and cried for you in “Carrie”.  (What a whack job that one was.)  I didn’t think Vinnie Barbarino was stupid.  I never saw “Moment to Moment”.  I thought “Blow Out” was okay.  But this, “Staying Alive”, I can not and will not overlook.  My heart is broken and I blame Sylvester Stallone and Scientology.  Oh sure, our love would be rekindled many years later because of a little film called “Pulp Fiction”, but for now, it’s OVER!!!!!

I get the concept.  It’s been six years since “Saturday Night Fever” and Tony Manero has moved to Manhattan looking for his big break.  Tony is working as a dance instructor and a waiter.  Cynthia Rhodes stars as his girlfriend Jackie and he treats her like crap.  Hello?   Remember how bad he treated Annette??? 

So anyway, Tony lands a role in this musical production called “Satan’s Alley” starring Laura played by Finola Hughes.  (Remember her from General Hospital?  I think her name was Anna and she was married to Robert Scorpio?  Didn’t she have some sort of scar on her face that was fake and she pealed it off like one of those window cling thingies?  Is that right?  Any of it?  Someone please let me know.)  Laura’s character is just awful.  She reminds me of some snippy-snappy spoiled little British lap dog as she barks lines like “We met.  We made it.  What did you expect?  True love?  Everybawdy uses everybawdy .”  

 (Say that in your head in a British accent for the full dramatic effect.)

I think the name of the show, “Satan’s Alley”, is a bit ironic and yet very appropriate because after watching this movie I feel like I have been to Hell and back.  Also, I consider Satan to be none other than…Sylvester Stallone.  Why do I hate everyone’s favorite boxer you ask?  Let me break this down for you!   Because he directed, produced and wrote this piece of crap.  I don’t know why he wasn’t busy making Rocky 5,041 or something.  I personally think he saw you, John, as his competition and tried to KO you right out of the business.  

This is totally Sly’s film.  He even put his brother, Frank in it.  At least there’s no big, ole blonde Brigitte. He definitely influenced the fashions in this film-a whole lot of leather, fur and my favorite, shiny Lycra.  Sly himself even shows up in the movie in a big fur coat.  Puleez. 

Okay, so Tony and Laura have this supposed intense dancing chemistry.  Whatever.  So Tony decides he wants the lead role in the show and asks Jackie to help him.  So he steals the lead and becomes the star of the show.  Right.  This is sooo believable.  Tony “won-one-disco-contest” Manero from Brooklyn beats out classical trained dancer in less than five minutes. 

I will say this John, you have some funny lines.  Like when you are working as a waiter (you looked good by the way in your little tuxedo ensemble) and this girl keeps ordering all these drinks and she ask you “Do you know why I order so many drinks, Tony?” and you say “I dunno.  Maybe you’re an alcoholic.”  Heehee.  That’s funny.  Her response is “I just love to watch you walk, Tony.  I just love to watch you walk.”  Hmmmmm…That line sounds a little familiar.

Here is my favorite scene.  Let me break it down for you:

Right after Tony’s triumphant Broadway debut and he is leaving the cast party and Jackie asks where he’s going and he says “I want to strut.”  And he struts right out into Times Square to Staying Alive. 

That’s it.  The best part of this movie is the last minute.   Here it is:

 http://youtube.com/watch?v=rpbleJcIfZY&feature=related

So that’s what I want you to do John is just strut right out to the curb before I kick you there.  It’s over.  Done.  Keep going.  Don’t look back.  Don’t let the door hit you on your cute-little-Lee-jean-covered-ass.  Oh, uh, are you really going?  Oh, okay.  Good.  I’m soooo glad. 

Good riddance…

…so long loser

…bye, bye

…call me.

Love,

Your Hopelessly Devoted and Seriously Delusional and Somewhat Twisted Former #1 Fan