Grease is still the word…I DON’T THINK SO!

Yay!  I’m a winner (well, a big fat loser really).  I just won the trifecta of bad movie musicals when I took a chance on Grease 2.  To be perfectly honest with you I never saw this movie when it came out in 1982.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe I was grounded when it came out because I know that some of my friends saw it and liked it (there’s no accounting for teenage taste).  I’m so glad I was grounded.  Thanks Mom. 

 

Oh to go back to those days when I was innocent of all that is Grease 2.  How I long for the days before I had witnessed such musical atrocities as “Score Tonight” which involves the Pink Ladies and the T-Birds singing and dancing at the bowling alley with lyrics like “let’s bowl, let’s bowl, let’s rock-n-roll”.  And “Reproduction” a song set in sex education class where they sing things like “make my stamen go beserk”.

 

I won’t even go into who’s who and what’s what because, well, it’s just not worth it.  Michelle Pfeiffer plays Stephanie Zinino, the leader of the Pink Ladies, while they could never live up to originals, they weren’t that bad.  Don’t even get me started on the T-Birds more like the T-Blobs who are a total waste of space.  Zuko and Knickie would have been ashamed.

 

I can only think of one really funny line.  It’s when the Pink Ladies are in the Pink Mobile driving really fast and reckless as they are following the T-Birds who are following Mystery Biker guy so they can rearrange his face.  And one of the girls says, “We’re going to die and I’m wearing my mother’s underwear!”  I’m not even sure why I thought this was so funny, but it made me laugh.

 

Okay, so here is my favorite scene.  Let me break it down for you:

 

Michael, he’s Sandy’s cousin, asks Stephanie out and she turns him down because he’s not her type.  So she gives him a musical version of her e-Harmony profile which describes her perfect man as a “Cool Rider”.  Michelle’s singing and dancing are okay, but she’s so annoyingly adorable, it’s hard not to like this scene.  Here have a look:

 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UY47CGhKQjA

 

Stephanie is so cute in her black skinny jeans and her black jacket with the pink satin lining but I think I her hair looks a little more like 1980’s than 1960’s. 

 

I guess I will have to put this in the Nice Ass Bad Movie category because Michelle Pfeiffer does have a tiny, but very cute derriere and well, sorry, but this a baaaaaad movie.  A bad, bad, bad, bad movie.  (Sing that to the “Cool Rider” tune for the full effect.) 

 

Here’s another clip I found.  I think it is jd and webster.  Or is that atoochie.  Maybe sheba and hootch?  I’m not sure.  Let me know. 

 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=dsI1xbcnV-g

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Boxing Jane Doe

I’m sensing a pattern here.  I don’t even know who this arm belongs to.  Notice the tattoo? Is Angelina Jolie missing an arm?  Was she involved in some sort of freak accident while simultaneously nursing the twins, carrying Shiloh and Zahara on her hips, and roller blading with Pax and Maddox?  Was she swinging from a vine in Cambodia trying to save orphans with one arm and trying to save Brad from the evil clutches of  Clooney with the other?  Could it be some stunt gone wrong on the set of one of her crappy awesome movies?  Or did Jennifer Aniston finally get revenge?  

Any of these scenarios is possible but how did the severed arm end up on my breakfast bar?

So many questions.  But I need answers!!!!

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Boxing Barbie

Does anyone remember this movie called “Boxing Helena” with Sherilyn Fenn (Twin Peaks) and that strange actor who looks like Sting?  He is surgeon and obsessed with her so he does what any smitten guy would do-he cuts off her arms and legs.  At first, she is really mean to him (go figure) but then she kind of falls in love with him.  Anyone???  Maybe I’m the only who saw it. 

Don’t worry I’m not going to review it.  Sadly, it was made in the 90’s so it just wouldn’t fit in here.  But that movie got me to thinking about Sherilyn Fenn in another movie that was made in the 80’s, “Two Moon Junction“.  If you’ve seen it, you would remember.  Very steamy.  Maybe to hot for the this old 80’smoviemama.  

But that’s not what I want to talk about either.  I wanted to share the gruesome discovery I made while cleaning my daughters bathroom today.  If you’re at all squeamish you might not want to look.  Go ahead.  It’ll be okay.  I promise.

Should I be worried?  Keep in mind she’s four.  Maybe she’ll be a surgeon?  Or a pyschopath?  It could go either way at this point.  I’ll let you know.

 

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You better love somebody…

Okay maybe you better love somebody, but you won’t love this movie.  I just watched 1984’s “Hard to Hold” starring Rick Springfield and it’s more like “hard to watch without wanting to rip your own skin off”.  This movie is going to fall into my new category, Nice Ass Bad Movie.  This category was created for the debacle that is “Staying Alive”.  To be honest, it’s more like Kinda Cute Butt, Really Bad Movie.  I guess I can’t go around all willy nilly creating new categories based on how much I like the actor’s bum or can I…

 

After watching “Staying Alive” (blech, it hurts me just to say it) I started thinking about Rick Springfield.  Not sure about the connection?  Here’s how it went down.  Finola Hughes is in “SA” and she was also in General Hospital.  There was a doctor who worked at General Hospital and his name was Noah Drake.  And Noah Drake was played by none other than little Ricky Springfield.  . 

 

Rick Springfield is really flexing his acting muscles in this one by playing a rock star.  What not a doctor?  Nope.  Just your everyday run-of-the-mill-rock-star named Jamie Roberts.  He meets this woman, well actually he runs into this woman’s car while trying to escape his many fans while driving a red Trans Am that belongs to a guy named Casserole.  Oh and by the way, he is also wearing Casserole’s pants.  So he tries to woo this woman.  Her name is Diana Lawson and she’s a child psychologist and she has no idea who he is.  And she is not even moved or remotely interested even when he buys her a new Volvo.  I don’t get it.  I usually, at the very least, go for drinks with someone when they buy me a new car especially if it’s foreign.

 

Okay, so she falls for him after he sends a Tony Bennett impersonator to serenade her.  Whatever.  A faux Tony gets her in the sack but not a genuine Volvo?  I will have to say that Diana is quite a little minx.  She’s no prude.  So the usual stuff ensues when people from different backgrounds fall in love and have nothing in common but love itself.  <insert big yawn> Very boring. 

 

But, you knew there was one in here, the best part is Jamie Robert’s ex-girlfriend and writing partner, Nicky Nides played by Patti Hansen.  I recognized her face but didn’t know who she was so I did a little research (thanks internet) and I discovered that she is an ex-model who is married to…get this…Keith Richards who we all know is a real ROCK STAR.  She even has children with him.  So you know she just has to be a complete nut job and that’s how she acts in the movie.  I loved her.  If not for her, I would have pulled this DVD out of the machine, slapped it around, broke it in a million pieces and lit it on fire in true ROCK STAR fashion.

 

Here is my favorite scene.  Let me break it down for you:

 

Okay, so Nicky has been causing some problems for the love birds and Diana decides she should talk to Nicky.  Jamie and Casserole try to warn Diana that nobody talks to Nicky but Diana says “I deal with disturbed children all day, surely I can handle Nicky.  I am a professional.”  So Diana goes up to Nicky’s hotel room and pushes her way in.  Here is the dialogue:

 

“Nicky, I think it’s time that you confront your hostility.  We should share our feelings.”

 

“Screw off!”

 

“Okay, that was hostile.”

 

“No shit Mary Poppins.”

 

“These are just anxiety defenses to block your true feelings.”

 

“Go sit on it bi—!”  (I have to interrupt here. “Sit on it”????  I mean I love the Fonz, but would a tough-as-nails-meaner-than-a-run-over-dog-rocker-chick say “sit on it”?  I think not.)

 

“Nicky, Nicky…”

 

“Ain’t that Jamie’s shirt?  Get it off!”

 

“Nicky we just need to interface a little more.”

 

Now it gets really good.  Nicky pulls a switchblade out and starts threatening Diana as she babbles on with her psycho mumbo jumbo.  CAT FIGHT!  I’m thinking, yes Nicky is going to show her “interface” and stab Dr. Mary Poppins, PhD and put us all out of our misery.  Yay!  End of the movie!!!!  No such luck.  As it turns out, it’s not really a switchblade but one of those stupid combs that looks like a switchblade.  Diana, once again, surprises us by punching Nicky in the face, shutting her up thus extending this movie into its 4th or 5th hour.  I’m not even sure at this point.  That’s it, the absolute best scene in the whole movie.

 

I hate to dis Rick because I really do like him.  I always have.  He has some good songs and the soundtrack to this movie is pretty good and I always wanted to be Jessie’s Girl.  But this movie really stinks.  Sorry Rick.

 

Here’s the trailer.  It has a little bit of psycho Nicky:

 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=dgElDMLkhZw

 

Enjoy. 

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See that girl, watch that scene, diggin’ the dancing queen

 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=yzhxHsqQvsI

I am sooo excited about this movie.  I know it’s not the 80’s but the stage production was awesome and the music is from the 70’s.  And it’s ABBA so how can it be bad?  And it’s Meryl Mia!

Hey I bet Sophie was born in the 80’s.

I can’t wait to see it.

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The fever still burns…NOT!!!

Dear John,

 

I have just seen “Staying Alive” the 1983 sequel to one of your best movies ever, “Saturday Night Fever” and all I have to say is…what are you doin’ Johnny? 

 

You romanced me with great hits like “Grease”, “Saturday Night Fever”, and “Urban Cowboy”.  I loved you when you were “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble” even though I couldn’t touch you or I would kill you.  I forgave you and cried for you in “Carrie”.  (What a whack job that one was.)  I didn’t think Vinnie Barbarino was stupid.  I never saw “Moment to Moment”.  I thought “Blow Out” was okay.  But this, “Staying Alive”, I can not and will not overlook.  My heart is broken and I blame Sylvester Stallone and Scientology.  Oh sure, our love would be rekindled many years later because of a little film called “Pulp Fiction”, but for now, it’s OVER!!!!!

 

I get the concept.  It’s been six years since “Saturday Night Fever” and Tony Manero has moved to Manhattan looking for his big break.  Tony is working as a dance instructor and a waiter.  Cynthia Rhodes stars as his girlfriend Jackie and he treats her like crap.  Hello?   Remember how bad he treated Annette??? 

 

So anyway, Tony lands a role in this musical production called “Satan’s Alley” starring Laura played by Finola Hughes.  (Remember her from General Hospital?  I think her name was Anna and she was married to Robert Scorpio?  Didn’t she have some sort of scar on her face that was fake and she pealed it off like one of those window cling thingies?  Is that right?  Any of it?  Someone please let me know.)  Laura’s character is just awful.  She reminds me of some snippy-snappy spoiled little British lap dog as she barks lines like “We met.  We made it.  What did you expect?  True love?  Everybawdy uses everybawdy .”  

 (Say that in your head in a British accent for the full dramatic effect.)

 

I think the name of the show, “Satan’s Alley”, is a bit ironic and yet very appropriate because after watching this movie I feel like I have been to Hell and back.  Also, I consider Satan to be none other than…Sylvester Stallone.  Why do I hate everyone’s favorite boxer you ask?  Let me break this down for you!   Because he directed, produced and wrote this piece of crap.  I don’t know why he wasn’t busy making Rocky 5,041 or something.  I personally think he saw you, John, as his competition and tried to KO you right out of the business.  

 

This is totally Sly’s film.  He even put his brother, Frank in it.  At least there’s no big, ole blonde Brigitte. He definitely influenced the fashions in this film-a whole lot of leather, fur and my favorite, shiny Lycra.  Sly himself even shows up in the movie in a big fur coat.  Puleez. 

 

Okay, so Tony and Laura have this supposed intense dancing chemistry.  Whatever.  So Tony decides he wants the lead role in the show and asks Jackie to help him.  So he steals the lead and becomes the star of the show.  Right.  This is sooo believable.  Tony “won-one-disco-contest” Manero from Brooklyn beats out classical trained dancer in less than five minutes. 

 

I will say this John, you have some funny lines.  Like when you are working as a waiter (you looked good by the way in your little tuxedo ensemble) and this girl keeps ordering all these drinks and she ask you “Do you know why I order so many drinks, Tony?” and you say “I dunno.  Maybe you’re an alcoholic.”  Heehee.  That’s funny.  Her response is “I just love to watch you walk, Tony.  I just love to watch you walk.”  Hmmmmm…That line sounds a little familiar.

 

Here is my favorite scene.  Let me break it down for you:

 

Right after Tony’s triumphant Broadway debut and he is leaving the cast party and Jackie asks where he’s going and he says “I want to strut.”  And he struts right out into Times Square to Staying Alive. 

 

That’s it.  The best part of this movie is the last minute.   Here it is:

 

 http://youtube.com/watch?v=rpbleJcIfZY&feature=related

 

So that’s what I want you to do John is just strut right out to the curb before I kick you there.  It’s over.  Done.  Keep going.  Don’t look back.  Don’t let the door hit you on your cute-little-Lee-jean-covered-ass.  Oh, uh, are you really going?  Oh, okay.  Good.  I’m soooo glad. 

 

Good riddance…

 

…so long loser

 

…bye, bye

 

…call me.

 

Love,

 

Your Hopelessly Devoted and Seriously Delusional and Somewhat Twisted Former #1 Fan 

 

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Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

I have an announcement.  I can barely contain myself.  I want to shout it from the rooftops.  I’M IN LOVE!!!!!!  Yes you heard me.  I’m in love.  It’s not a new love.  I have rekindled an old love, a summer fling.  Who or what is the object of my affection you ask?  It is none other than 1987’s “Dirty Dancing” starring Patrick Swayze and the very adorable Jennifer Grey.  I know, I know another dance movie, but I just can’t seem to get enough.  You all know how important dance is to me.  It permeates my life from all directions.  I had forgotten how wonderful this movie is and I recommend you go out and rent it right now.  This very minute… or you can wait until you finish reading. Whatever.

 

This is such an inspirational feel-good movie that it changed my life forever.  I was so conflicted with what direction my life should take.  On one hand I had my dream of going to Mount Holyoke College to major in economics so I could eventually join the Peace Corps.  And on the other hand, I wanted to run around and look adorable as I danced on bridges and logs and in the lake with that hot dance instructor, Johnny Castle.  This movie made me realize I could have it all.  I mean it was 1963 and things they were a changin’.

 

Oh wait, that’s not me.  That was Baby from the movie.  Sometimes I just get so caught up in the moment I think I am actually in the movie.  Sorry. 

 

But it did change me.  Here I was a beautiful, sexy dancer, a Rockette even and my life had no direction.  My mother kicked me out at sixteen and I had been dancing ever since.  I found myself preggers by Robbie, the waiter and creep, and in 1963 this was a huge problem.  I thought there was no hope until Baby got me the money for my abortion I mean my appointment (they never say the word abortion not one time in the whole movie).  Is this kid for real?  I can’t believe she gave me the money even after I was so mean to her when she tried to help.  I even told her “Go back to your playpen, Baby.” 

 

Oops, I did it again.  That’s not me either.  That’s Penny (Cynthia Rhodes).  Where is my medication????

 

Remember when Baby talks to Johnny the first time and when asked what she’s doing there she says “I carried a watermelon.”  OMG.  How embarrassing.  We’ve all had those moments when we meet someone we admire and say something stupid.  Please share your “I carried a watermelon” story with me.

 

Okay, so this is a really good movie.  There’s a lot of dancing, awesome music and sex.  Oh, and a lot of “Dirty Dancing”.  Who knew people in the Catskills were so talented and horny?? 

 

I would like to talk about the Dirty Dancing Dancers.  I know they were all supposed to work at the resort but did anyone ever see any of them working except for Johnny and Penny?  They were always dancing and grinding on each other.  I mean not that dancing and grinding is not a job in and of it self.  I wouldn’t know.  I’m just saying. 

 

Oh, also, I almost forgot.  When you watch the dancers and I know you will – look for Amy Winehouse.  She was one the dancers.  I swear.

 

Let me talk about the fashions for one minute.  Baby’s wardrobe is really cute except for that bulky blue sweater she wears at the beginning.  I hate that sweater.  But that’s before she boinks Johnny and gets all sexy.  And I do have to mention the pink ballet flats with the “X” strap.  I had those shoes.  Too. Cute.  Johnny, on the other hand, only wore black.  That’s it, Bad Boy Black. 

  

Remember that old couple who was caught stealing all the wallets?  There is a scene where the old lady drops her purse and all the wallets fall out.  Baby and Penny help her pick up her things. Any of this sound familiar?  The old lady says something that I have never been able to make out.  Something like “such charm, such charm” or “suck my arm, suck my arm” or something.  If you know what she says…please tell me.

 

They have all these silly activities at Kellerman’s and one of my favorites is “The Hair Raising Wig Show”.  And all the women sit around and try on wigs like Sandra Dee, Jackie Kennedy and Elizabeth Taylor.  But no Little Richard wigs.  Thank goodness. All this is announced by the resorts comedian who is none other than Newman from Seinfeld.  

 

Early on Baby is sort of fixed up with Neil, Mr. Kellermans nephew, and they have this scene that I think is too funny.  They are standing outside and Neil says “I love to watch your hair blowing in the breeze.”  Baby is looking off to the side and rolling her eyes and she says that maybe her parents are looking for her.  Neil says “Baby, don’t worry if they think your with me, they’ll be the happiest parents at Kellerman’s.  I have to say it.  I’m known as the catch of the county.”  I’m thinking – you’re losing me Neil, Baby you need to get away from this loser.  Then Neil says those three little words that every girl dreams of hearing -“Are you hungry?”  And I’m back in.  Neil seems like a nice guy and he has access to the kitchen.  I love him.

 

There are so many good scenes that involve Lisa, Baby’s sister.  I really like the one where she has decided to go all the way with Robbie, the waiter and creep.  And she tells Baby and Baby says no wait until it’s with someone you love.  And Lisa says “You don’t care about me.  You wouldn’t care if I humped the entire army… as long as we were on the right side of the Ho Chi Minh trail.  What you care about is that you’re not Daddy’s girl anymore.  He listens to when I talk now, and you hate that.”  I love it that she is able to work humping and Vietnam into this one conversation.  You go Lisa! 

 

Here is my favorite scene.  Let me break it down for you:

 

Johnny and Baby are practicing for their performance at the Sheldrake.  They do the final move and she hurts his back and he says something like are you trying to kill me?  Is this fun?  And she’s like yes this is my idea of fun.  We’re supposed to do the show in two days, you won’t show me the lifts, I’m not sure of the turns.  I’m doing all this to save your ass and what I really want to do is drop you on it.  And then he says let’s get outta here.

 

And they go outside in the rain and he has locked his keys in the car.  That song Overload is playing and Johnny pulls up one of these stakes or poles whatever they are from the parking lot and as the music is playing boom, boom he knocks the window out with the pole with the beat of the music.  It’s always cool to break glass in tune with the music. 

 

Then they are driving down the road and Baby says “You’re wild!” and he’s like “What?” and she says even louder “YOU’RE WIIIILD!”  I love that part. 

 

In spite of its name, “Dirty Dancing” is quite a family friendly movie well except for the premarital sex, adultery, lying, stealing, and the abortion   I mean – appointment.

 

So watch the movie and enjoy it.  Here is a clip to hold you over until you can get to the video store:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k4FhVLKyBA&feature=related

 

 

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